“Hey You??”
“What’s the matter with the life you have?”
“What do you mean you are working weekends as well as every evening and holiday?”
“When are you going to spend time with me?”
And, “don’t go there, you will get burnt, go broke or get hurt. I may be left to pick up the pieces and I couldn’t let you do that to yourself.”
These are some of the comments and objections you will come face-to-face with when you start venturing into a new life. Why do our friends and family see the doom and gloom that will swallow us, but can’t see that we have the ability, passion and desire to achieve our goals?
When I started investing in property in 2001 I was alone, none of the people I knew were investing in anything but a regular job. It made me the standout which was a frightening and lonely place to start investing.
It wasn’t until I had bought a few properties I took time out and went to a property investment seminar. I couldn’t tell my family and friends I was spending more than $15,000 on a property investment seminar, I’m sure you could imagine what they would have said.
Even my accountant was sceptical when I asked him to set up our investment structure, he told me to do a few renovations before going to the expense of setting up a structure as many people only ended up buying one or two properties.
I knew I was different.
It’s hard to remain excited and want to share your new found wealth with everyone, only to be met with scepticism and horror stories, especially if they tried and failed.
In 2 weeks my daughter is settling a new business (her first). People around her know she has a supportive family but still have not supported her decision. One of the comments she has repeatedly made is about the lack of interest and support from the people who have been her closest friends. She now feels hurt, isolated and alone instead of being supported and buoyed.
Why does this happen?
When I went to my investment seminar in 2001 the speaker spoke about trading up your family and friends.
At the time I thought this as an insult to my choice of friends (‘cause I realise you can’t choose your family) but it wasn’t long after I realised what the speaker was talking about. My family and friends were comfortable with who I was and my position. The hierarchy had already been established.
I was working in my family’s business and teaching piano after hours at the time, but had a burning desire to get into the property market.
I put our owner occupied house in jeopardy (that’s what it felt like at the time) to invest, there was nobody giving me advice on what to do. I made mistakes, but are mistakes really a problem?
I was bagged and got the “I told you so” attitude.
Then the comments started – “What would you want to buy property there for?”
“Don’t you know the boom has already been?”
I even heard the words greedy and selfish used about me! – AND that was from my family!
Then the comments “Is property all you talk about?” as you get on further.
It’s hard to be confident when you are shaking in your boots. Comments from these people can be completely detrimental to the ongoing growth of your business. My situation is not unique. If you have supportive family and friends then I would consider your position pretty unique.
Our friends and family are really trying to protect us from something they don’t understand.
They also don’t want you to outgrow them or the relationship. They don’t want you to become a superstar while they live their mundane existences. I don’t believe this behaviour is conscious, I think there must be a gene inside us that arc up as protection for those we love.
If you asked your friends and family why they weren’t supporting you some would deny and state they were very supportive and others would say they don’t want to see you hurt. Funny thing about that is the way they are hurting you with the behaviour to start with.
For you to grow and move into a different lifestyle, you change. The way you talk, walk and think changes. Your behaviours and life style changes and your friends and family notice. You become an alien!!!
Luckily aliens are well accepted in investment and business circles. This is why you need to trade up your family and friends. Your new friends will take you as you are now, and move with you as you grow because these people are growing too.
If you want to grow in your business, you need to feed and strengthen your mind. I do this by getting involved with groups, reading, listening to audios and even changing the inner chit-chat in your head. Then surround yourself with people who are going the same direction as you. Those friends who want to remain will remain.
I love my new friends, they have become just as important as any friends and family I have had before, but they have a way of challenging me, fulfilling a part of me that continues to grow.
The information provided in the Talking Property podcast is general in nature and should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional advice. Always consult with a professional advisor before making any investment decisions.
Debbie Williams is a sought after expert in the field
of property investment. She lectures at TAFE and The Property School and has written
for all the major Australian property publications. 
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent article Debbie and I have found the same thing myself so many times.
Family hesitant regarding bold business plans, they don’t mean any harm, but they just don’t understand what makes you tick – “Why don’t you just stick to your existing well paying career, it’s much safer and you’re already doing well”. By “doing well” they mean earning more money than they did. But it’s not all just about “salary”, it’s about time, balance, fitness, well being and satisfaction in what you do.
Then there are the friends who pretend to be “happy for you” on the surface but then are quick to ask depressing questions and try to pick to pieces your new found successes. They are bitter because they started out when you did, e.g. same high school etc yet you have rapidly overtaken them and they can see it. Even when you never brag and keep perfectly quiet about anything you’ve done well, they can smell it in your happiness and it makes them feel like they’ve failed. Because after all, they came from the same “stock” or “background” as you, right.
I have one mate who is by and large an all round excellent mate on the surface, but deep down underneath, cannot stand me being happy and successful. He regrets that I have a much greater zest for life than he does. I get the token “Wow mate, that must be great” comments on the surface, but then soon they are followed by “Oh, is that depressing mate? Surely there must be downsides.. Noone is really happy right?” kind of thing. Every comment out of his mouth is about the drawbacks and downsides of life. A really tragic attitude to be. I realise as hard as it is, I have to cul these people, because every time I read an email from him, it is ever so slightly depressing just to be around people like that and I know I waste mental cycles brewing up about it.
Best to leave these people to work out their own paths/journeys and later realise that they used to be depressing/difficult anchors to be around.
I have new friends who I met later in life, and therefore didn’t grow up with me or come from the same high school as me. When they met me, they only met the newer/modern me, they didn’t really see the path I’ve taken to get here. They fully accept me for who I am and don’t feel threatened.
The biggest lesson for me out of this is that if you are an ambitious/driven person, you will constantly be “knocked down” (tall poppy syndrome), most of all by those who saw you actually get to where you are. So the best thing (and a difficult decision to make) is to actually cull those longer term friends who try to hold you back with them and to renew your friendships as you’ve stated above.
I’ve been in careers where I was age 24 and managing 20 people, all older than me. The main pressure from a job like that was avoiding all the mud being thrown at you simply for being “young”. It’s the same with property investing and this Australian mentality of “how many houses do you have”, people ask the question, because they are curious, but then gulp in pain if they don’t like the answer. Why do they ask? Then they will come back with the “Oh my friend of a friend has 8 properties” kind of thing.
Then there are the other type of long term friends who always seek to “catch up” every 6 months or so, simply to give you an update on their latest successes and quickly measure if they have “caught up to you” yet. Quite painful to listen to, it’s just pure bragging and ego stroking etc. “Hey mate, how are you, it’s been ages, well listen, I’m on 130k/year now and just buying my second property, so how have you been???”. Even if I’m making 200k and have 5 properties, I’m not going to obviously reply with that and bring myself down to their same bragging level am I. So what do you do? Again, best to cull these people.
The most difficult thing about being ambitious is the crap that it inadvertantly thrown at you.
CULL CULL CULL
Hey Aaron,
I feel you frustration and pain. It’s really hard to watch others with the same opportunities tell you all the reasons you have it better and easier than them.
One really fantastic outcome for me has bee the discovery (as you mentioned) of new friends and friendship groups. My new friends are genuinely just as (or nearly) excited and delighted by my success as I am, as I am for them. We support and buoy each other, they seem to bring out the best in me and have higher expectations of me than myself at times.
Focus and surround yourself with those who lift you, politely listen to the reasons your current family and friends bitch, whinge and complain all the time knowing that there is something better out there for anyone who wants to reach for it.
All the best to you and your success in the future.
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
Great point. Another thing I loved that I read somewhere was “true friends will be happy for your successes as well as your failures”. So when you realise that you are having to purposely “talk down” or dismiss any happiness or successes you’ve had, what a sad situation!
Definitely a cue to cull and follow your point above. Your new friends sound awesome.